Of tea and chickens
by Korilian
Summary: Two plotdriven, yet mysterieus strangers show up bearing files that hold the watcher councils' most evil secrets. Total spoof.


Why did the Chicken cross the road?  
  
FREUD:  
  
The fact that you are at all concerned that the  
  
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity  
  
  
  
Placed pre-primevil. Total spoof. (and yes, I am aware that cheeseguy didn't show up until restless. bite me, I need him)  
  
Of Tea and Chickens  
  
It was one of those rare peaceful nights in Sunnydale California. The first waves of winter where brushing over the East side and even the demons without a body temperature (and there where a lot of those) seemed to be content to stay inside and leave the carnage for another day. At the same time things where heating up in the ruins of Sunnydale High school.  
  
Riley gasped as he fell back onto the rubble, covered only with a few blankets, "WOW!" He turned to his girlfriend, the love of his life, the one girl who he just knew he was destined to marry, the one he had betrayed his country for, Buffy the vampire slayer who was now enjoying an after sex cigarette and smiled contently, "I must say honey, that was without any doubt, absolutely the best sex I ever had."  
  
She nodded and blew some smoke in his face, "I know." Finally she pressed the almost burned up cigarette out in her palm without even blinking and started dressing, "Look Riley, there's something I have to tell you."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"I'm leaving you. We're through."  
  
The former commando jumped up clutching his chest in horror as he felt his heartbreak, tears welling up in his eyes, "NOOOOOOOO! But Pookie! You can't! We've just made Love!!! You Loooove me!!!"  
  
She sighed, "I was letting you off easy." He watched shocked while he laced her last boot, drooling ever so slightly because some arteries in his brain had popped from sheer horror, "Look, I don't think we should see each other again. Ever."  
  
"But... but I betrayed the Iniative for you! They want to court martial me now!"  
  
The slayer merely shrugged and walked of into the cool night, taking a sip from a small vodka flask she had hidden in her jacket to ward of cold (and to celebrate).  
  
---  
  
Rupert Giles, watcher extraordinaire (even if he did get fired) listened quietly while his favourite slayer in the whole wide world told him the events that had led her to his doorstep on this cold night. He nodded sympathetically, "It will be all right, want some tea?"  
  
Buffy shrugged, "Don't see what good that will do."  
  
He looked righteously offended, "There is no problem tea can fix."  
  
"Can tea kill a demon?"  
  
"Yes." The not quite as stuffy as he used to be watcher got up and moved into the kitchen, taking a moment do the Snoopy dance while chanting, "Yay, she dumped the prat! Yay, she dumped the prat!"  
  
"Giles." He paused a moment when he heard her voice drift over from the living room. "You have an open kitchenette, I can still see you and just how much time have you spend with Xander lately?"  
  
Like clockwork the door flew open to reveal the young man in question. He wasn't alone though. In his company was his fellow slayerette, hacker, witch and Scooby gang chairman for this month, Willow.  
  
Giles nearly dropped the teapot, 'must save the tea!' before panting out, "Damn it! I know that door was locked! Willow did you use your mental powers to open it!?!?!"  
  
Willow shook her head and sunk down on the couch next to her best friend Buffy lowering her voice to a whisper so the watcher wouldn't hear, "I picked the lock." They chuckled evilly.  
  
Before long Giles moved back into the room armed to the teeth with tea and cookies (and a glass of milk for Xander), "So what brings you children here?"  
  
Willow kinda slumped into Xander who had by now also taken a place on the sofa and pouted, "We couldn't sleep. Tell us a story?"  
  
Giles sighed, "Honestly, don't you children have parents?" Relenting he walked over to the book closet and took out a book with fairytales, 'Hmmm, Hansle and Gretchen or the gentlemen and the princess.' Before the watcher could pick a story the door flew open to reveal a dark figure, standing in the doorway. A horrific wailing greeted the Scooby gang. Followed by Willow whining, "Xander get of my lap!"  
  
Armed to the teeth with the teapot Giles moved forward bravely, "Who are you and how did you get in?!?" The figure moved forward to reveal two young people. A young man and a young girl, trying to sooth the baby in her arms. It was the young man who spoke, "Sorry man, we wanted to knock, but someone botched up your lock." Willow shrunk back into the sofa cushions and started filing her nails, while whistling innocently.  
  
The baby finally stopped crying and the girl turned to the group, "Hey, I'm Loren and this is Wolf my watcher."  
  
The Scooby gang as a whole groaned, "Not another slayer!" 'Wolf quickly jumped in, "Oh no! She's a guardian. They're very rare. The watcher counsel even thought they where extinct, but then Loren showed up and here we are."  
  
Giles mouth just dropped open and he cleaned his glasses ferociously, "Amazing! I thought the guardians where extinct!"  
  
"I think we just covered that."  
  
Xander raised his hand slowly, "So what do you do?"  
  
Loren's respond was to point to the TV that instantly exploded.  
  
"You're paying for that you know."  
  
Buffy was a bit offended that there was something rarer then the slayer (lets face it, it had always rubbed her the wrong way that there where suddenly two slayers. She was unique damn it!!!), "So what brings you here?"  
  
"Well we where in London a while back and we had some trouble with the watchers counsel." Loren supplied helpfully, "And I stole these!" Without further ado she pulled out some files marked Top Secret and tossed them over to Giles."  
  
Willow made cooing noised at the baby, "Ha! I know what happened. They wanted you to kill this baby, who is part demon as a test and you refused and then they tried to kill you, because they couldn't control you!"  
  
Loren turned slightly red, "Actually there was a slight accident with the condom, but teen pregnancy's are totally acceptable these days! Cool even!"  
  
Giles looked like he wanted to make a snide remark, but he decided against it. Instead he opened the by now famous files and began to read them, "What the?!?! Dear God!" He looked at the group in shock.  
  
Buffy exchanged an uncomfortable look with Willow, before she cleared her throat and turned to Giles, "Speak Giles. What's wrong?"  
  
"It's the watchers counsel... They're trying to.take over the world!  
  
"Haha! I knew it!" Anya turned over to Xander with an evil grin on her face, "You've lost the bet! Ten bucks please pay up."  
  
No way! The bet was that someone was going to destroy the world. You loose, babe. But that's okay. There are many ways you can repay me." He leered suggestively.  
  
Giles raised his hands in disgust, "That's quite enough. Normally I couldn't care less if you two want to... throw your self at each other at every possible moment, but right now we have a serious situation to deal with. and just when did Anya get here?"  
  
".Eh."  
  
Buffy stood up and walked into the kitchen, "Lets focus people, this is some scary sh*t... Just imagine a World where you have to wear tweed."  
  
The group as a whole shuddered.  
  
"As a matter of fact I think we need some serious alcohol to process this horrible news." She peeked around the corner disappointed, "Uhm, what did you do with the apple snaps?"  
  
"I threw them all out. Honestly Buffy ever since you started dating Riley you have been grabbing every possible occasion to get drunk beyond the telling of it. "  
  
Willow nodded her head, "He's right Buffy, I know Riley was annoying and well pretty much a pain in the arse and don't think that I don't understand that you had to get drunk a lot to deal with his whining, but..." Willow took a deep breath, "Lets face it, you dumped him and I think its time to deal and move on."  
  
"What you think I have alcohol issue's? That's ridiculous I can do fine without a drink."  
  
Xander took out a small bottle from his pocket, "Hey Buf, want a drink?"  
  
The slayer jumped up and gave him a bewildered look, her arm reaching for the bottle, "Oooh, give it!"  
  
Xander quickly moved the bottle out of her reach, "I thought you could do just fine without it?"  
  
"That was when I thought we were out. Suddenly her voice turned sweet, Xander? Won't you give me the bottle? Pretty please?"  
  
Giles coughed, "Well I have a plan, or rather a semi-plan. Xander and Anya, you bring Buffy to that Anonymous Alcoholics meeting I told you about and in the mean time Willow and I will go to see... Riley and ask the members of the Iniative for help. The baby can stay with Joyce, while Loren and Wolf, do. whatever they want to do."  
  
Buffy gave them all a pouting look, "I guess I do have a little problem." She followed Xander (and most importantly the bottle) willingly.  
  
Giles turned back to the group, "Well now that that has been taken care of, shall we?"  
  
---  
  
Buffy glanced around the circle embarresed, "Hi I'm Buffy and I'm an alcoholic." As a matter of fact she was still a little drunk. After some violence threats from her side Xander had finally given her the bottle.  
  
The group cheered and clapped, and the leader gave her an encouraging smile, "Very good Buffy. I see your friends did a great job on making you realize you have a serious problem, now why don't you tell us a little bit about the reason you started drinking?"  
  
Buffy cleared her throat, "Well I always had a lot of pressure on me, big responsibilities and all, and then when I went to college I met this guy. Good looking, commando. Only he turned out to be a complete cow. So anyway, I was in a bit of a dark place and the sex was. well anyway, so I didn't want to dump him." Buffy took a short pause tears welling up in her eyes, "I just needed a little help to deal with him out of bed, I never thought it would get this out of control."  
  
The group members all gave her sympathetic looks. The group leader clapped, "Very good Buffy, you'll be out of here in no time. We also have another new member in our group, everybody, welcome Tara."  
  
Buffy looked up surprised. 'Tara has a drinking problem?' She thought.  
  
Tara sat down on one of the chairs and looked around shyly she hadn't seen Buffy yet, "Hello I'm Tara and I have a drinking problem." The leader gave her a comforting nod to tell her to go on, "Where shall I start, well I have this girlfriend and I really care about her, only I have this big dark secret I'm hiding from her, you see I am..." Suddenly she noticed Buffy, "Uhm ... not actually an alcoholic and come to think about it, I don't have a big dark secret and I don't drink, so I should just go before someone I know sees me and gets the wrong idea and tells our mutual friends about it, who will also get the wrong idea. I have to go!" Tara jumped up and ran away.  
  
Buffy frowned, but was still to drunk to think too much about it.  
  
---  
  
Willow looked around at the ruins of Sunnydale High; "Wow I haven't been to the ruins of Sunnydale High ever since that little the world is going to end ordeal earlier this year." She smiled at him, showing every essence of her self.  
  
Giles smiled back, "Indeed, that was some adventure." The young redhead looked up at the lack of roof and admired the stars. Unfortunately she didn't see the piece of mayor and tripped. Giles barely managed to catch her before she hit the ground, "Careful now." He swung her back on her feet and for a moment they were standing close together.  
  
She hesitated only a moment before she took a step back lost in his eyes. She always felt so safe in his arms. Finally they broke their look and her shoes suddenly seemed very interesting, "Goddess, I'm clumsy aren't I?"  
  
Giles put his finger under her chin and forced her to look up, "You're not clumsy Willow. You're smart and powerful and beautiful and... uhm, well not clumsy." 'Had he really said that?'  
  
"You think I'm beautiful?"  
  
"Well, I didn't mean, yes, but..." Before he could say anything else she kissed him with all her might. The kiss seemed to last fore ever. After an eternity, he gently broke loose. Willow looked up to him a little surprised, "Its funny, I guess I always kinda thought you and Buffy." She turned brightly red, "You know."  
  
"I love Buffy, but like a daughter."  
  
"Well Buffy's like a sister to me, doesn't that make me your daughter to?"  
  
Giles smiled and shook his head, "Even before Buffy moved to Sunnydale you would come to the library, a little shy, but so full of life and I knew that whatever life would throw at you, I would be there for you, because I understood you, because we are alike."  
  
Willow studied his face carefully lingering for a moment on those beautiful wise eyes of his. How could she never have noticed them before? "I think you really do understand."  
  
Riley listened from behind the half broken down wall and smiled, 'Well, well, isn't this interesting...' He jumped up from behind the wall and walked over to the new lovers, "Hello guys what can I do for you on this lovely evening?"  
  
Witch and Watcher quickly took a step apart and shared a worried look. Giles took a step foreword, "Oh hello Riley, I hope there are no hard feelings at Buffy dumping you." We could really use your help."  
  
"Aw shocks, Mr. Giles. I love Buffy so much; I just want her to be happy. What can I do to help?"  
  
"You should assemble the troops, the watchers counsel is planning to take over the world!"  
  
"I know."  
  
Willow blinked, "What? Oh, right! Military intelligence."  
  
Riley grinned crudely, "For someone with your IQ you are pretty darn stupid."  
  
Giles lounged at him, red fog warping over his eyes, "Don't call her stupid you Prat!"  
  
Suddenly an Iniative soldier was behind him and knocked him down. Riley simply looked down on him, an evil laughter rose from his throat, "You idiots. Haven't you figured it out by now? The Iniative and the watchers counsel work together!" Riley sat down on a piece of debris and began to unfold his evil plot, "When Buffy quit the watchers counsel they send us to take control of the situation. My particular role was very simple, I had to seduce Buffy and turn her into an incompetent drunk. When Buffy had been taken care of we would assemble our army of Adam's and take over the world. Adam1's unexpected departure was unfortunate, but we still have an army of 15 Hingory at our disposal, so that's all right. He let out another evil laughter."  
  
"A Hingory? What's that?" Willow demanded, "And what's in it for you?"  
  
"A Hingory is a particular savage beast, practically invisible and as for what is in it for me." Riley shrugged his shoulders, "Oh, not much. I was thinking a small nation... Holland, probably Switzerland as well."  
  
"Why Holland?"  
  
"I like cheese."  
  
Willow hid in Giles arms scared, when Riley laughed his wicket little laughter once more. Suddenly someone grabbed a hold of Riley and broke his neck. The remaining Iniative ran away screaming like a bunch of schoolgirls. Outside they ran into a bunch of vamps that killed them dead.  
  
Tara who was standing behind Buffy looked at Giles and Willow, "Wow you two got really cosy."  
  
Willow sighed, "Tara I think we should break up."  
  
"Whaat."  
  
"I'm in loved with Giles. Its not that I don't care about you, but now realize that you where my rebound chick."  
  
As response to this, Tara turned into a demon and hissed evilly.  
  
"Tara, please this isn't helping."  
  
The blonde witch turned back and pouted, "You knew?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm pretty much brilliant."  
  
Crying, Tara flew of to parts unknown where she found a new and perfect love, never to return to Sunnydale again.  
  
Buffy happily embraced her friend, "Wow this is so great. Mom." And everybody was oh so happy.  
  
Loren and Wolf walked over to them, they had been supposedly smooching in some lost corner most of the day and missed a big piece of what happened. (Basically not much) Loren looked around them, "Hey where's Xander? I thought he was with Buffy and Tara."  
  
Suddenly an arm clawed his way up from behind a pile of rubble, "Oh man, what a fight, I think I got hurt pretty badly."  
  
Buffy and Willow exchanged a look, "Fight? What fight? I broke Riley's neck. The end."  
  
Xander stared at them for a moment, then laughed embarrassed, "Oh man, I must have tripped then and thought I was attacked."  
  
Giles stared at him.  
  
"Okay I'm a big faker and was just trying to get a little attention."  
  
Buffy and Willow stared at him.  
  
"Maybe you guys are dreaming and I'm not really here."  
  
Loren and Wolf stared at him.  
  
"Maybe I'm an apparition haunting you in the form of Xander Harris!"  
  
The cheese guy stared at him.  
  
Anya got up from behind the rubble, "Oh alright, we where shagging."  
  
Xander seemed to shrink a little, "Lets go."  
  
---  
  
The Scooby gang reassembled in Giles house. Willow was sitting in his lap and everybody was trying really hard to ignore it.  
  
Finally Buffy cleared her throat, "Well the Iniative is gone. Now what?"  
  
Giles and Wolf responded at the same time, "A bunch."  
  
"Hey how can you be a watcher anyway? You don't look like one."  
  
Wolf glittered with pride, "Cuz I'm so cool?"  
  
"No."  
  
Giles stopped Slayer and very young and hot watcher before the hair pulling could begin,  
  
"I'm more worried about those Hingory to be honest."  
  
Willow nodded and wiggled a bit to tease her new boyfriend, "Yes, how ever do we stop those rather ferocious demons?"  
  
"I got it!" Wolf jumped up and did a little dance, "However could we be so foolish! It is the first thing we learn at the watchers Academy!"  
  
"There is no problem you can't solve with tea!" Both watchers finished, looking at each other like they just found the Holy Grail hidden in an old fridge on the bottom of lake Michigan.  
  
Buffy rubbed her temple. This was going to be a long night, "Okay but in case the tea plot fails, how do we stop them?"  
  
Xander crawled up from behind the sofa, "I have an idea."  
  
---  
  
Buffy, Loren and Willow where sitting in the car in front of the army base, waiting for Xander to return. Willow was talking about her one true love (Giles) and couldn't stop talking about him.  
  
Finally Loren got a sentence through, "Damn I was hoping to get a bigger part in this story."  
  
Buffy nodded sympathetically, "I know, but hey, maybe you'll be the one to give it a twist ending that has absolutely nothing to do with this chain of events whatsoever."  
  
The car door opened and Xander climbed in holding a big package in his arms, "I got it."  
  
Buffy gasped as if seeing him for the first time, "Wow, Xander, you're so hot! I can't believe I never noticed that before. She elegantly climbed on to his lap, pushing her breasts in his face, "Take me! Now!"  
  
He pushed her away, "Sorry Buff. Time was this would have been a dream come true. but I love Anya."  
  
"Oh well. Can't win 'em all."  
  
---  
  
The next day the Scooby gang assembled on a field, where the epic battle against the watchers counsel was destined to take place, as was foretold in some ancient scroll that had been lost in time. which was probably why the gang was so poorly prepared.  
  
Finally the watchers showed up. Millions of them, in tweed with red-rimmed glasses. The watchers watched as the Hingory roared!  
  
Giles quickly got on his horse and drove over to them, waving a white flag, "Uhm, excuse me, but you do realize that its Halloween right? Demons don't fight on Halloween."  
  
The head Hingory paused and pulled out his diary, "Really? Thanks chap that would have been embarrassing.. Hey wait a minute. Its MAY!" The demon looked up to see a giant hose aimed at his head. Before he had time to respond gallons upon gallons of tea squirted out, covering both the vile creatures and the Hingory.  
  
A lot of, "AAAH! I'm melting! The horror!" drifted over the field. Before long the field was littered with body's."  
  
Buffy dropped the hose her blue eyes spread widely at the carnage in front of her, "I can't believe it."  
  
"The tea plot actually. worked." Xander stammered out.  
  
"Well of course it worked." Both Giles and Wolf looked at the group horribly insulted, "Tea is an ancient mystical weapon in the battle against evil. Not to mention delicious!"  
  
Buffy started crying, "I killed humans! I'm a murderer!"  
  
"Mass murderer." Anya supplied helpfully, "Possibly responsible for genocide.. I mean, how many British can be left after this. They probably have to repopulate the Island."  
  
Suddenly the watchers spontaneously combusted. The slayer turned to Loren, "Hey did you.? Cuz I would understand if you did. Those mass graves always show up sooner or later."  
  
The young guardian shook her head, "Not me."  
  
Giles stopped making out with Willow for a moment, "Oh didn't I tell you? All watchers are secretly part demon."  
  
"Yay!"  
  
He turned to his girlfriend, "I hope you mind having wild monkey sex with a guy that's part demon..."  
  
"Nah I'm used to that." She lowered her voice and leered at him suggestively, "Hey why don't we go and have some wild monkey sex right now?"  
  
Giles and Willow quickly ran of. Anya and Xander followed their example, leaving Buffy with Loren and Wolf who where cooing over their baby.  
  
"Hey you took the baby to an epic battle?"  
  
Loren nodded, "Sure, it will give her backbone."  
  
"Speaking of names. Does she have one? Cuz you could call her Buffy!"  
  
Watcher and Guardian started laughing uncontrollably.  
  
"Never mind. So what are you guys gonna do now?"  
  
"Well remember yesterday when we where supposedly making out in some lost corner?" Buffy nodded, "Well we really weren't. In stead we stole a sh*t load of money from the government and used it to buy a valley that has been hidden for Millennia and can only be reached by a dangerous canyon called, Gorges le Diable."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"We're gonna make it a safe haven for peaceful demons."  
  
"Huh?" Buffy tried to process what was being said, but she had some trouble getting passed, Fire bad, tree pretty. (Despite her claims to the contrary, that was usually as good as it got. Thank God she was strong and pretty) "But who's gonna live there?"  
  
"Actually Oz is going to live there, as well as some guy named Doyle, who supposedly died but really didn't and a bunch of folk running from the scourge."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Loren and Wolf cuddled together, "Well we've been busy."  
  
---  
  
Epilogue In a beautiful valley that had been hidden from the World for Millennia and could only be reached through a dangerous canyon named Gorges le Diable Oz looked up from his book on quantum physics, "Hey what's for dinner tonight."  
  
Loren who was lying by the side of the luxurious pool, with a giant slurpie and her baby girl, Siriquindi glanced up briefly, "Ehm. Chicken I think."  
  
The end.  
  
REVIEUW! 


End file.
